duminică, 12 decembrie 2010

The perfect sexual fantasy

Dear Lady Ciccone,

I am pretty sure you’ve had enough with people admiring you for all the things you’ve done and came to represent today, to the point that I risk you throwing up with blood on my H&M t-shirt if I start writing about how great your greatness is and all the other shit desperate people tell you when they want a free ticket or free publicity or free smiles or whatever other freebies these crazies are after.

The thing is the other day this girlfriend of mine showed me some pictures with the toyboys you exhibit at your film premiers or nightclubbing outs. Now, the first thing I realized is I don’t keep up with celebrity gossip, but then, Madge, really, who the fuck can keep up with your cougar adventures? Now, sorry for the French in there, I know you’re not delighted with people calling you Madge, but are you for real, do people actually have to call you Madonna when they talk to you? Frankly, it’s a little bit tacky, isn’t it? FYI, religious references are so NOT IN these days.

Anyways. As if it was not enough to hear that you went from wearing a crucifix to actually humping a real Baby Jesus (the most gorgeous Jesus I ever fantasized about, I have to give that), soon after you had your fun with bogoss Jon Kortajarena, a.k.a. the incredible hot hustler that tried his charms on Colin Firth in Tom Ford’s film ‘A Single Man’. And this is not it – after playing with them for a bit, you just kicked out these hunks from your bedroom and from your life, like they were just some expensive toys or something. Pun intended. But I mean, you could’ve at least passed them around to Britney or to Cher or whoever was there down that line, right? Isn’t that the charitable thing to do?

Lately I hear that you moved on to the next inconnu Brahim Zaibat, him in his early twenties too, quite a charmer, but nothing like the sorts of Jesus or Jon. And this is why I actually got to write to you. You see, my girlfriend, my boyfriend and I, the three of us voted and decided the best sexual fantasy ever is to have all of your toyboy angels in one room. Naked and ready. But we are in quite a predicament with this rather naive dream and it’s all because of this Brahim guy. Don’t get me wrong, he is totally cute and under normal circumstances any of us lot would take him for a joyride, but he spoils the fantasy: he is not even near that high class of godness beauty the likes of Jon and Jesus belong to. And he is not catholic! And he doesn’t have the name of a saint!

But we are not that pretentious and we understand that a girl has to feed the cat with something, so we are ready to compromise. We are ready to accept Brahim in our surreal partouze if he is extremely well hung. And since is soon Christmas and I know that deep down inside you’re still a catholic girl, I wanted to ask you a favour.

Would you be able to confirm our supposition that Brahim has a huge cock?

I mean, please do. It doesn’t have to be true, really. It will be just a little white lie to your Little Greenlies and the rest of the world that shares this dream: playing an endless night of fun with Madonna’s toyboys.

In return, I’ll give you a tip. Did you hear of Karl Lagerfeld’s latest gadget? Isn’t he just heavenly fuckable? His name is Baptiste Giabiconi, he used to be a worker in a helicopter plant somewhere in France (not even living in Paris!) and yadda-yadda-yadda he is Karl’s new male-muse.

For fuck sake, Lagerfeld. The gay troll dressed up in puffy shirts. Don’t mind me saying this, but you could get baptised in a sniff of a second. And then, yes, our imagination would be satisfied and we’d all have the most beautiful Christmas with Jesus, Jon and Baptiste (and an incredible cocky Brahim, if you must).

Here are some pictures with the guy, mostly naked. Isn’t he a doll?

With love,


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