vineri, 6 iulie 2012

Why I can't wait to get Mountain Lion

At exactly 19.99 dollars and over 200 new features, Mountain comes not to Mohammed, but to Lion. Exactly and over are words I like to read aloud, a minimal happiness while going through the newspaper adverts. Do your maths (if you can without an upgraded computer): this is less then 0.09995 units of currency per new feature; for the humanist graduates and uneducated artists, suffice to say that's about 10 cents per piece, which is not a prohibitive price for a feature, a national call or a good leaf of spinach.

The most important upgrade is in the area of crunching numbers: the revamped calculator can do that by itself while you are sleeping. Unlike Windows, whom you need to instruct where do you want to go today, Mountain Lion knows very well that you won't scrap your a-off your sofa. Lion pays your bills by matching the vendor's price to the index of your general satisfaction, so in the end you get your money back guaranteed. Thermic palliative care: the warmth of your MacBook Pro is adjusted to atmospheric conditions and the weather channel predicts your lows and highs in spirits, proper hair length and penile function. You can now jog at a steady pace with your software: Mountain Lion is 21 grams lighter than its precursor, which is not to say this OS doesn't have a core, an invisible soul.

In the area of medical care, Mountain Lion brings some incredibly, revamped and rethought novelties: it can now cure cancerous lumping and degenerative malfunction. While under heavy stress or pollution (these are regarded as different manifestations of the same evil), you can breathe through your operating system, but the wonderful thing here are the replaceable filters, which also work to protect from cruel viruses, unexplained nausea and phlegmy inflammations. Barren parents can now watch kids play directly on their retina; this has never been tested on animals, just on humans.

In terms of house improvement, you can easily store your meats and veggies in the iCloud, conveniently and without expiration date. This function will perhaps be further developed (I only had the chance to test the beta for developers), extending the storage capabilities to broken furniture, ugly kitchen appliances and dead bodies.

It is only and just the beginning, which is to say the future looks bright or o, brother, where art thou. An absolutely great new feature, never heard of, is the App Store. It doesn't sound too familiar, I'll give that. Using Apple's new OS will be like happily kissing underdeveloped babies from underdeveloped countries every time you click on to purchase yet another app.

In terms of reading, this has become facultative, now that we have Siri. And we all have her as she's embedded seamlessly into the new system. You can call her Siri, or your wife, or your superintendent, or your whore. She absolutely doesn't mind at all; this woman is not cynical or cyclical. In addition, you can definitely thump her like a real American soldier. Next to Siri, the more feminine users can enjoy the stolid graces of Gatekeeper: your new best friend is instructed to ask your relatives not to pass by whenever they feel like and to alert you in case of uncontrollable toxic events.

Book worms and newspaper caterpillars can turn the page at a superior price when compared to Amazon and this will make them satisfied with and aware of their reading experience. You can now insert your own quotes between the lines of great writers, under the new participatory platform. Co-authoring is heavily encouraged from all sides as people run out of fresh ideas.

The Full Time Recorder (FTR) is the upgraded version of Time Machine (unfashionable TM). All those precious moments and pre-programmed events are now recorded on the go and stored on your hard drive; the Built-in Sharing option cannot be disabled. And here are some details for the technical savvies: the share button is an option, the pop-up menu displayed in effect counts as a different option (because it looks so cool), while the fact that you can actually click on a menu item is what I call an extra-option, therefore worth to be double-counted.

Apple is taking new steps in eradicating loneliness and arrhythmic heart beats. Those in need of a domestic partner can now mirror themselves out of thin air using AirPlay, a brand new feature that was present in the already decrepit Lion OS, alas hidden. Gone are the days of solitary masturbation, too, but I stop here, as I have the uneasy feeling I'm divulging too many patented secrets already.  


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